Buddha Walked into a Bar...
         Buddha walked into a bar one day followed by a dignified retinue of 1200 boddhisatvas, 8,000 monks, three transvestite dwarfs and a warthog sow named Shirley.

    "Jesus fucking christ," yelled the bartender, "Will you bums get out of here before I have to call the cops?"

    He grabbed Buddha's begging bowl out of his hand and threw it across the room, where it shattered against the wall.

    "Listen carefully." pronounced the Buddha, "All bartenders should hold this thought: there is neither a bowl, nor is there a not-bowl. The idea of "bowl" is and is-not, neither is, nor is not, has an appearance which is a non-appearance,with an existence which doesn't have any existence."

    "Aw FUCK ME!" complained one of the drunks sitting at the bar with a partially emptied manhattan in front of him, "This is the third time this week these baldheaded assholes wearing orange sheets have come in here. Can't you put a sign on the door saying 'NO BUDDHAS ALLOWED WITHIN 100 FEET OF PREMISES'"?

    "The appearance of your manhattan being half empty is an illusion created by Mara." intoned the Lord Tathagata. "Though it seems to be either half full or else half empty, in truth it is neither half full nor half empty, both half full and half empty, all of the above and neither. That there is a manhattan in front of you is only an empty appearance which is a non-appearance within the non-existence of existence."

    At that the bartender groaned pitifully, and with stooping shoulders of resignation plodded into the storage area behind the bar. Soon he was back, driving a forklift carrying a pallet with four 55 gallon drums on it. He popped the drums open and as the Buddha, boddisatvas, monks, dwarfs and the warthog named Shirley lined up, began scooping rice into their begging bowls one at a time. Buddha accepted his in an empty beer schooner, which was neither empty nor non-empty, both empty and non-empty, and all of the above.

    Later as the Buddha was enjoying his evening meal of rice without actually enjoying it, he turned to Shirley and remarked: "If in a Buddha the conception of 'eating', 'blackmail', 'obnoxiousness' or 'harrassment' should take place, this Buddha would not be an authentic Buddha, yet would be an authentic Buddha, neither or both and all of the above."

    "Burrrp!" replied Shirley.

Copyright 2000 Edward Dawson, all wrongs reserved.