||How To Fuck A Chicken
first thing we've got to get straight here (besides your dick, you can
get it up for a chicken, can't you?) is that you need to somehow acquire
a chicken of the correct gender and condition. It has to be a hen, you
know, female. A rooster (boy chicken) will not do, so forget it fag! Neither
will a pullet (teenage girl chicken) do it for you. No, it has to be a
mature female chicken that lays eggs! Nothing else will do the trick you
pervert. Now, chickens are monotremes. No, that's not contagious. A monotreme
is an animal with only one sewer pipe. That's right, a chicken only has
one hole down there for your pleasure. The reason you need an egg-laying
hen is that she is accustomed to opening up that hole every day to squeeze
out an egg that is approximately the same diameter as the average dick.
That might be too big of a hole for some of you pencil puds, but read on.
that you have obtained a proper object of affection, the next subject of
discussion is one that you will really like: bondage. You need to carefully
and securely tie up the chicken's wings and feet, especially the feet.
First tie the wings together at their bases, as tight as you can get them,
then wrap the whole thing in duct tape. You in a band? You always have
duct tape if you're in a band. Or is it duck tape? Does anyone out there
plow ducks? Don't tell me, just send pictures. Anyway, after tying the
wings securely, tie the feet strongly together leaving plenty of extra
cord. Bring the chicken's feet forward to the head, then take a wrap of
the cords around the base of the neck and then tie them together wrapped
around the base of the wings. Lastly, wrap the feet thoroughly with duct
tape. Why all this bondage and tapeage? Besides the fun of it, it's necessary
to keep your balls and tender inner thighs from getting ripped to shreds.
Those are claws on the ends of that chicken's feet and she's not going
to like it very much if you rape her. The tied wings keep them from flapping
and beating the hell out of you (like you deserve), besides they make a
now ready to fuck your first chicken. All you need now is a hard-on and
some lubricunt (sic). I can't help you with the hard-on, give yourself
a hand. As for the lubricunt, Your hen doesn't think you are Billy (admiring
the mirror) Idol or even Evan (Mr. Sensitivity) Dando. She ain't gonna
get wet for you, dude. Smear lots of Vaseline on your pecker, lube the
chicken chute and push. You got the whole thing in? Damn, you got a short
little pud! Chickens aren't very deep. If you were a real man, you'd have
barely more than the head in. But then, if you were a real man, you wouldn't
be raping chickens now would you?
should be one hand around the base of the chicken's neck, the other holding
the tied-together wings. Short strokes or you'll pop out. Oh yeah, you're
only capable of short strokes, I forgot.
the fun (and really brutal) part. You've got to time this just right: when
you are there and you're almost ready to shoot, use your non-wings hand
to break the chicken's neck. As she dies she will convulse and undergo
muscular spasms. Some of these spasms will be contractions around your
dick and if you time it exactly right they will occur as you cum.
it was that old fag Oscar Wilde who said "You always kill the thing you
love." In this case, you can not only kill but also pluck, eviscerate and
devour the thing you love. Most of you are such lame urbanites that you
wouldn't have the necessary skills to butcher a dead lover. Jeffery Dahmer
is dead, so he isn't able to advise you. Just throw her in the garbage
you wasteful twerp. Maybe it would be a good idea to carefully conceal
her in a garbage bag or something, the neighbors might talk.
now fucked your first chicken. Don't you feel really good about yourself
now, Chicken Boy?
Next time we'll discuss how to fuck a sheep, what size boots to wear, etc.
As they say in New Zealand: don't forget to wear your Wellies!