The Gibbering Smegma articles 

These are a series of weird takes I did in Spank Fanzine. It is an indication of how tolerant Michelle is that she actually prints my ravings! 

1. Care and Maintenance of Meat Bodies 

(Owners of robot bodies please refer to a different manual specific to your make and model for painting, oiling and part replacement schedule. Faux-meat android owners please follow these exterior appearance guidelines only. All internal maintenance on android dolls should be carried out at the manufacturer or by a factory authorized service representative.)  

General exterior 
     Protein wires protruding from exterior should be clipped short or arranged artistically so as to avoid an untidy appearance. Same should be done with the flat claws on ends of digits. Owners whose previous model was a robot or android should remember that a meat body is essentially an animated vegetable organism, therefore it has a tendency to grow. Entire surface, including wires should be cleaned daily using H2O mixed with hydrocarbon surfactants. Surfactants should not be allowed to dry on surface, as this will create a low level irritation of tactile sensory system, so a final H2O rinse is advised. Failure to clean exterior every day results in peculiar olifactory irritants, mostly ketones and rancid organic oils, arising from the degeneration of metabolic byproducts. Owner should keep in mind at all times that exterior surface contains a multitude of tiny holes, each of which, in addition to its role in regulating temperature, is an organ of waste excretion.  
General interior  
     Breathing is essential. Air containing sufficient O2 (20% O2 at 30 psi is optimum) must be taken into the lungs every few seconds. Failure to keep this schedule will cause the metabolism to shut down within 5 to 6 minutes of time. This is the most important part of properly maintaining your meat body. It is also important to exclude your meat body from any environment that would excessively elevate or reduce its internal temperature more than a degree or two Fahrenheit, as this also will cause a systemic failure. Hydrocarbon life forms are primarily H2O-based organisms. Therefore it is essential to provide H2O by administration through orifice labeled "mouth" many times a day. Neglect of this schedule will result in failure of overall metabolism, necessitating the replacement of the entire body. In addition is it advisable to provide the body with sufficient fuel through that same orifice at least three times a day. This fuel shall consist of a general mix of proteins, fats, sugars and complex hydrocarbons. These are supplied by the bodies of lower life forms within the general environment within your local planetary biosphere. These lower life forms may be dismembered, heated, chilled, ground up, pressed, formed, converted into a paste, soaked in various chemicals and consumed raw. Especially nutritious for your meat body are the post-reproductive products of lower life forms, such as plant seeds, bird eggs, fish eggs, and immature quadripeds of all kinds. Care should be taken not to provide your meat body with an excess of fuel, especially fats. This is contraindicated, as it results in an increase in the weight and diameter of the organism.  
Anterior section  
     All anterior orifices must be kept clean at all times. Do not allow crusty dried fluids to accumulate around holes. This means scraping away white semisolids and crusts from vision apparatus in order to maintain clarity. Nasal passages can be cleared by judicious employment of explosively released bursts of air. Woven cotton fibre or wood pulp sheets should be employed to catch expelled matter, then used to wipe off surface around holes. Auditory intakes should be dewaxed daily as part of regular exterior maintenance (see General exterior above). Mouth should be rinsed regularly and teeth abraded, at no time should they be allowed to become gray, or worse yet, green. Green teeth are an especially bad sign, indicating that a) too much organic matter has accumulated on their surfaces, and b) that the mouth has been left hanging open too much, allowing algae sufficient sunlight for photosynthesis. Gray teeth are nearly as bad, indicating that mold and fungi have taken hold on their surfaces, but that the mouth was closed. At no time should feeding orifice be allowed to become brown in color, as confusion with solid waste disposal orifice may result (see Posterior section below).  
Posterior section 
     Brown and yellow discoloration around waste discharge and reproductive access areas are another sign of poor maintenance. Liquid waste should be wiped off outer surfaces of female bodies with a firm front to back motion, going from yellow toward brown areas. Male organisms should shake coupling hose until dry, taking care not to splatter liquid onto adjacent surfaces. Solid waste should be expelled regularly. Under no circumstances should it be allowed to remain within a meat body for long periods of time due to the possibility of extreme internal pressure buildup. Extreme care should be taken when expelling methane gasses from solid waste orifice, as small lumps of solid waste may be expelled along with the gas. Such gas release should be done as quietly as possible. If olifactory detection of such gas occurs, silent release allows owner to disclaim responsibility. Orifice should be wiped clean with cellulose-based sheets, taking care not to leave behind dangling pills of stained sheet-pieces, known to experienced owners as "dingle balls", hanging from exterior orifice protection protein wires. At no time should wiping sheets that were used around solid waste orifice be later employed to wipe nose mouth or teeth as an undesirable discoloration may result. Reproductive tracts should be protected from infection by aggressive microorganisms during coupling by using latex gloves of appropriate size and shape. These should be employed at all times except when attempting actual reproduction. Female meat bodies are prone to successful fertilization at unpredictable times, and until a more reliable model is introduced by the Manufacturer, care should be taken to prevent unintentional impregnation. This may be accomplished by means of latex gloves (see above), or by two or more bodies coupling their anterior with posterior orifices so as to prevent seminal fluid from entering reproductive tract. Female meat bodies also have a problem with internal fluid supply dripping out of reproductive orifice for a few days each month. This bright red fluid can be a nuisance because when dried it stains everything it touches a dark brown. Care should be taken by owners of female bodies to insert fibrous material into reproductive orifice at these times to soak up the discharge.  
Final notes 
     It is important to keep in mind that a meat body can not be returned for overhaul if found defective. Manufacturer claims responsibility only for the species as a whole, not for any individual organism. This is not a problem for most owners, as meat bodies are cheap and self-replicating. Owners of defective bodies are advised to simply acquire a new one. If any owner has difficulty disposing of a defective body, contact Dr Jack Kevorkian c/o the Illinois criminal justice system.  
     As for the vast majority of satisfied owners -- enjoy your new piece of meat. 
 

2. Racism is Absurd, a Non-Meat POV. . .  

     Let's say just for the sake of argument that materialism and secular humanism got it wrong; that there really is such a thing as a spirit or soul -- WHOAH! Come back here, I'm not a Christian! Don't hit the back button yet, you're going to like this . . . 
     So anyway, IF there IS such a thing as the soul, never mind where it comes from or where it's headed (but I have it on good authority that YOU are going to BURN, motherfucker!), but if there is such a non-material thing which animates bodies, which exists before the body was born in pain and blood, before it was grown inside its mom, before it was conceived with much sweaty moaning in the dark--THEN (rhetorical Q) WHAT THE HELL IS THE BODY???? If YOU are not the body, but something else; if you are the spirit and you existed before you were born into that body, and you will continue to exist AFTER that body dies, (R-Q redux) WHAT IS THAT BODY?  
    Dude (& dudettes too), it's only a VEHICLE, a machine just like your car. It's a robot, made out of perishable meat instead of steel and plastic. It has nerves instead of wires, skin instead of paint, and mitochondria (don't ask) instead of an infernal combustion engine. So if the body is like a car, what would the soul be? The DRIVER! (Isn't this analogy FUN, wait'll you see where I'm headed with it, ha ha) Yeah, visualize it: you are just an invisible "Whateverthefuck" sitting in the control room of the body (the head) pulling little nervous system levers, punching buttons and making the body do stuff: walk around, fart, tell the girl you're screwing "I need more space." 
     So if the body is only a machine, then why make any big deal over the color of its paint job? Do you belong to a car club where everyone has a white car and no one with a black car is allowed to join? That's what racism boils down to: (in a whiney, snotty voice) "MY car is YELLOW. All my friends have YELLOW cars. YOUR car is BLUE. Go away before you contaminate our yellow cars with your blue car and turn us all GREEN!" 
     Sounds pretty fucking dumb when it's stated that way. What the fuck does it matter what color your fucking car or body is? It runs doesn't it? Right? So SHUT UP! So you don't like someone because they are "black", their body was designed in Africa instead of Europe? Okay, try this on: "I don't like you because your car was designed in Sweden instead of Detroit; we don't allow Swedish cars in our neighborhood!" Now doesn't that sound dumb as fuck? This is as stupid as those decals you see all the time in the back windows of cars and pickup trucks with the little cartoon kid peeing on "Ford" or "Chevy." Like, does THIS MATTER AT ALL? NO!!!! Are you going to burn a cross on someone's lawn in the middle of the night just because they drive a Volvo? Are you going to hold up two fingers in a V with one hand and three fingers below it with the other to show a Jeep driver you're a Volkswagon partisan; and will the confrontation lead to a driveby shooting? If you are Mex-American and you have a decal in the rear window of your Chevy that proudly proclaims "Brown Power", you might as well combine it with your 2nd vehicle so that your decal reads: "Brown & Chevy Power." Aren't you just SOOO chingin' PROUD now? LA Raza Y El Modelo (The Race & The Model); you're a Mexican and Chevrolet, baybay! This shit's ridiculous . . . 
     "I'm not a machine! I'm not a machine!" -Dukowski, Black Flag 
. . .Sure you are, Chuck! A European model with a light pink paint job and a little deterioration off the top. :) 
Racism is absurd Take 2, an X-T POV 
     Try this one on: about a hundred years ago in this country you could be an immigrant speaking the same language as everyone else (slight accent), have the same hair, eye and skin color as most people in the USA AND STILL BE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST! No one would want to hire you, except perhaps as a menial laborer, no one wanted you to live next door, and you would be firmly told to stay with "your own kind." Your ethnicity? IRISH. Today, that situation is mostly forgotten (except by some of the Irish) and no one with an English last name, such as Burnham or Dickson has any problem with their daughters marrying an O'Brian or Hensley. The differences between an English American and an Irishman are seen to be nothing now. People are far more worried about extreme differences in skin color these days. . . 
     But wait! Everyone is human under the skin, right? In fact molecular biologists have discovered that the human race is incredibly INBRED (so THAT accounts for it!) and that some time in the past, most of the human race died off except for a few, and all humans are descended from those few survivors (sort of like the cheetah, which underwent a similar weeding process). But what about nonhumans? How are we going to react when the saucers finally DO land (I'm having fun with this, just go with it, okay?) and little skinny noseless Grays step out? I'll tell you what'll happen! We'll forget all about black vs white, anglo vs chicano, Christian Serb vs Moslem Albanian. We'll have a WHOLE NEW MINORITY to despise! Won't that be fun? We'll be able to finally love our fellow man, while hating the alien! 
     And furthermore they'll help, by despising we overmuscled, inbred wild animals who are barely far enough evolved to count on our fingers without fucking up. THEY won't perceive a whit of difference between a Negro and a Caucasian, and treat us all equally badly, like conquerers treat the conquered everywhere. We'll be forced to band together against them, ignoring our petty little variations in skin tone. Yesirree, the coming alien invasion will be the death of racism among humans worldwide, mark my words . . . 
     Don't you just fucking hate me when I'm right? 
 

3. You're dirty. 

     In fact, you're absolutely filthy. Your skin is covered with airborne particles of dead organic tissues and fecal matter which have fallen onto it, borne there on damp breezes from who knows what vile creatures. Soil from the earth is blown onto you constantly also. The microbes within the soil absorb your perspiration and reproduce within it, turning it rancid with their byproducts. Every object you come in contact with leaves particles of itself on you, accumulating until you wash them away, or scrape them from under your fingernails. Insects like tiny spiders too small to see crawl over your skin, eating it constantly. They infect your bedding in the hundreds of thousands, making their living off the skin you slough as you sleep, sucking in your night sweat for moisture. You inhale them through you gaping, tooth-ridden mouth -- which mouth spews out droplets of microbe infested saliva with each careless exhalation. Your mouth is a cesspool of bacteria and viruses, many of which are deadly to yourself, should they ever get the upper hand. A battle rages constantly in your throat and lungs as hungry microorganisms attempt to avoid your immune system long enough to feed on you. You swap these teeming bugs with others of your kind, at both ends, by kissing and fucking one another like the vacuous animals you are. Even the hydrochloric acid within your stomach fails to kill them, your intestines seeth with E. Coli and other repugnant organisms. These grow in the millions inside your festering gut, devouring the food you eat while it is inside you; and helping turn it into nauseating brown mush marinated in an evil gas laden with methane and smelly ketones. Everything you eat, everything you touch, is infected with viruses, bacteria, yeasts, molds, fungi and amoebae. Your whole life is spent swimming through these invisible organisms. You are never free of them, no matter how often you bathe or shower. Even the water you vainly attempt to cleanse yourself with is filled with these creatures. There isn't enough antiseptic on the planet to successful rid you of them, for they are within your gut, drifting through the air you breath, and clinging to every surface you touch. 
     I sit here in the hermetically sealed safety of my ship, which you moronically call a "flying saucer" and sneer at your filth and disease. You will live a short, ignorant life -- scratching yourself every day of it because your infested skin itches from its inhabitants. I, on the other hand, will keep away from your pestilent planet, protected by the aseptic perfection of airless space. 
     You disgust me.