|one for the boys:
Q: What do you get if you cross
a twat with an onion?
Guys, we all hear the bitching from feminazis and riot grrls about how sick, stupid, abusive and insensitive we are. What they don't know is that oftentimes women are truly awful to be around, especially in bed. Here then is a list of the worst offenders and their salient characteristics:
The Screamer: This is the woman who yells and moans at the top of her lungs while being boinked. I used to know a Screamer who could be heard a block away, even though her windows were closed. No guy who isn't a complete ego case wants opera sung in his ear a capella while fucking. Earplugs are recommended. A pillow over the face will at least partially muffle the histrionics.
The Corpse: Don't just do something, lie there! This is the woman who, no matter how long you lick her or how hard you fuck her, doesn't come, moan, move her hips, or even break a sweat. Ladies, this is what's known among guys as a Dead Piece Of Ass. You swear she'd just recieved a spinal injection of anaesthetic to block all sensation from the waist down.
The Prima Donna: This one isn't necessarily a bad piece of ass. The problem lies in what you have to do to get there. The Prima Donna is an ego case, otherwise known as a Princess. To get laid you must constantly tell her how wonderful she is, she's the only woman in the world, you would fucking die for her, etc. ad infinitum, ad nauseum. You also must needs snow her under with flowers, candy, poems, and "... onions strung on ropes, cold boiled beef and telescopes." or somesuch variety of shit. Beware if your insecure little Princess is a JAP: you'd better not come in her mouth!
The Grotto: I feel sorry for these women. It's a problem of physiology rather than personality. This is the one where you are supposed to tie that proverbial board across your ass to keep from falling in. Her hole is so huge that friction is a joke, especially if you are wearing a rubber, making sensation a myth. Occasionally your cock may bounce off of one of the sides, but in the main you are playing the vaginal version of air-guitar. Make sure you're wearing a condom and fuck her in the anus instead.
The Talker: This is the woman who simply won't shut up. There you are on top of her, pounding away, and what is she doing? She's telling you about her sister's babyshower, or about exactly how she returned that new dress she'd bought and didn't like, or giving you a word for word recounting of a conversation she'd had over the phone with her girlfriend about the romantic misadventures and abusive relationship of two people you don't even know. I recommend oral sex with a Talker. Shove your cock down her throat to shut her the fuck up.
The Nibbler: This is a bad babe for oral sex. The Nibbler just doesn't have a clue as to what a penis is all about. Instead of engulfing the whole thing with verve and gusto-large motions with plenty of tight contact against her lips and tongue-instead she just sort of kisses and tongues the glans (head), leaving the shaft sad and neglected out in the cold cruel air. I conjecture that this sort of behavior by a woman has one of two causes. Either she is totally inexperienced and is afraid of your big fat woody (nowadays?) or (this is from experience, I'm not making this up) she is bisexual and is treating your cock like a gigantic clitoris. But you don't want your dick EATEN! You want it swallowed!
The Prick Tease: The worst piece of tail is none at all. The P.T. is a work of false advertising. She dresses fit to fuck in short skirt and tight bodice, and then flirts like a motherfucker with you. You go for it. You wine her, dine her, buy her flowers, candy and bud. But when things get crucial, she pushes you away and speaks those immortal words: "Let's just be good friends." Like Hell! You're outta there.