|one for the girls:
Whip it in-whip it out-wipe it
off and worry!
Well, last time I revealed how awful women can be at times in bed. Seems that several ladies at Censor This reacted to "Bad Pussy!" with a lack of humor or perspective. These same women--accustomed as they were to having their men firmly wrapped around their little pinkies--demanded that I write the other side of the story. Like I was actually going to do what they tell me to! I inquired as to why didn't THEY write it. Oh no, they couldn't do that! That's right: they weren't ABLE to (well, to be truthful ONE of them has enough talent, but not the inclination to be aggressively obnoxious), so I had to write it, sez them! I decided to write the piece--not because I had been told to (I'm single for a number of reasons, one of which is that I'm not very amenable to female control)--but because it seemed like an interesting challenge. Unfortunately for this project, I have no experience of sex with other men. So I had to take depositions from my female friends. And did I ever hear about some of the worst dudes in bed! I guess we just don't realize how scary, horrid and disgusting we can be. Here then is a list of the worst offenders and their salient characteristics:
The Stinker: This is the man who hasn't brushed his teeth in ten years and hasn't bathed in at least three. And his clothes usually could stand to be washed, because when he takes off his pants, he can stand them up in the corner of the room and they don't fall over! The closer you get to him, the more you feel like adding to the aromatic effluvium by vomiting! The Stinker doesn't merely smell like sweat-after all, fresh sweat is a normal side-effect of passionate sex-he reeks of RANCID sweat. Pepe LePeu-no can do!
Mr Micropud: Picture this: you're making out with the hottest looking dude. We are talking Italian Stallion-MAJOR hunk. That sullen pout. Those dark magnetic eyes. You mutually decide to do it. You get undressed. And then you see it. It's standing erect, proud and hard and it wants YOU. Unfortunately, it is approximately the same length and diameter as your thumb! Somehow you manage not to laugh. You find the first excuse you can think up and BAIL!
Mr Ed (and we're not talking about me!): You're making out in the dark with the rock-god of your dreams. You're only 13 years old and have never been with a man, but this guy is so hot that you'll do ANYTHING he wants. In the course of petting he takes your hand and wraps your fingers around his hard-on. And terror almost makes you pee yourself! You hastily let go of it and grab ahold of your own forearm just below the elbow. It seems the same diameter! He gently takes your hand a second time and closes your fingers around his horse-dick. Again you let go and grab your own forearm for comparison. There is no longer any doubt: this fucker's cock is as big around as your arm! You feel faint as visions of being split in two with a telephone pole swim through your suddenly watery consciousness. "Uh, I gotta go now. My mom's gonna be mad if I'm not home soon!" There is NO WAY anything that thick is going ANYWHERE near your virgin crotch. See Ya.
The International Lover: This is the guy with Russian hands and Roman fingers, who disDane's conversation, but tries to immediately apply Greece to your bottom and get down to business. The first kiss is a French one, and his second one heads right for the Low Cuntries. Finnish off his dreams of a United Nations by giving him the Italian Boot!
The Strainer: This is the guy who spoils your whole mood by making hilarious faces while fucking you. He usually looks like he's in pain or is lifting something really heavy. In either case he makes you lose everything that you have worked so hard to build up within you-making it impossible to get off. Dammit, you want to cum, not laugh!
Roger Rabbit: This guy has no trouble getting it up-UP-and AWAY!!! He barely gets it in and he's cum already! Some Rabbits don't even make it that far and cum in their pants while still engaging in foreplay. Lame, then limp.
The Anal, Rather Than Oral, Head: Things are going pretty well: he's good to kiss, he properly fondles and kisses your body, but when it's time to get down-or rather GO down-he balks. He won't eat your pussy no matter how much you hint around for it. In resignation you nobly go down on him, as he seems to expect it. There you are with a throatful of cock, curly hairs tickling your nose, and you suddenly smell it. Shit. This guy is too lame to properly wipe. It's hard enough to keep from gagging with all that woodie distending your throat, without the scent of ancient do-do too. Like the fabled walls of Ilium, your nipples collapse.
The Ol' Softie: The worst piece of ass is obviously the one that doesn't happen. For whatever reason-age, alcohol, fear of castration, or medical condition-it just doesn't rise to the occasion. Bummer. A hard man would be good to find, dammit!
(Thanx for the input from: Sheyna, Valarie, Winter [Rosebud!] and Chelle) -ShitEd, Tujungatrashland