I want to eat an extraterrestrial 

by Glengivitis 

It is my fondest wish to brutalize, murder and eat an extraterrestrial. Before I go further on this issue, I must explain myself. I am a vegetarian and against animal testing in laboratories. I am also against capital punishment. I feel every man, woman and child is entitled to free food, water and medical care. However, my views do not extend to extraterrestrials. Perhaps I am a hypocrite, but I wish to be a murderer as well. Relax, I only hate extraterrestrials. 

Extraterrestrials come to our world. Nobody knows what they do or what goes on inside their heads. They may come to make peace and solve all the problems of humanity. They may seek to enslave everyone. I do not care if they have pink eyes, long antennas, and a cure for every disease known to man. They must die anyway. Maybe they are gray, short, and have small black eyes. They can come in all sorts of shapes. It does not matter to me, I only wish to kill one and all. 

To taste the flesh of an extraterrestrial would be a beautiful glory. An intelligent being who has come from so far away, only to find itself brutalized by an unemployed nobody who has trouble relating to people. All of that specialized knowledge will be useless as my teeth sink into the living flesh. I will only eat my E.T. victim while it is alive. Oh, how happy I will be to look into its eyes and see the pain, humiliation and fear as I chew on the soft tissues of its limbs. Quite nice. Perhaps I will stop midway in my meal, and pretend to feel remorse. I will then engage in a brief conversation about the extraterrestrial's planet, life, dreams and desires. Just as I pretend to let my victim go, I will stab it thousands of times all over with a sharpened screwdriver. Then I will drink the blood. I wonder what color of blood an extraterrestrial has? I only hope it tastes like maple syrup, but if not, I would still drink anyway. I want to pound the flesh until there are bruises all over. I would dearly savor each cry of mercy from the stupid E.T. voice. Just think, maybe somewhere little E.T. babies would be waiting in vain for a parent who will never return. As for me, I would have a temporary playmate as I slowly grow flabby from my lack of employment and self-esteem. I will peel away some of the flesh and dry it into a form of jerky. Alien jerky would be quite nice to chew as I watch cartoons on Saturday mornings. I wonder what the look in my victimís eyes would be, as I project all of my hatred onto its flesh. It would be nice to see my victim die slowly. A recording could be made of the anguished cries and sampled onto rap music. I will be strong and the stupid alien will be weak as I kick it as hard as I can. Of course my opponent/prey/tasty treat will be utterly defenseless and tied up. Cowardice does not matter when the heart is filled with boredom as well as hate, at least thatís my sentiment. I am not a bad man. I am short and skinny and may not be able to devour my captive completely. What I cannot finish I will make into a soup and serve to the downtrodden of humanity. Homeless people, drug addicts and felons: all victims of hatred and scorn will be able to sample a soup that is created as a by-product of hatred and scorn. I will keep the bones because it is bad to waste. I will scrape out the marrow, mix it with cranberry juice and cinnamon in order to create popsicles to eat at my leisure pleasure. Bones will then be crushed to powder to mix into bread. 

Killy, killed, killop, kill-kill, OH BOY! I wish to be disco dancer of death. My victim will be the floor on which I can sidestep, strut and dance. Iím a nobody, but I will be somebody when I kill an extraterrestrial. Who cares if I am laughed at everywhere I go? Who cares if I can barely afford my crummy apartment? By inflicting all my resentment on something defenseless, I will for once in my life feel self-growth and importance. No more going to arcades and blowing spare change on video games as a means to escape my dreary world. Forget about reading auto mags that show cars I will never be able to afford much less ride in. I will torture an extraterrestrial as a solution to all my insecurities. Wait, please do not think I am one of those people who would tell the public about a victim. This will be only for me on my time. 

I am tired of worrying about the opinions of others. I can kill something that would not be protected by any laws or morals. To maim and kill is not bad, provided that no one will prosecute you--not even your conscience. An extraterrestrial would be the ultimate victim. No policeman can send me to jail for that. Understand me. I cannot permit myself to kill anything from this world. To kill a rabbit is wrong, but an extraterrestrial is okay to kill. The world is suffering from overpopulation. Why should extraterrestrials add to this problem? Besides, I do not want whatever they may have to contribute to society. I am a pacifist and an earthman. Yet I still have desires to kill. Is this wrong?

(balloon-head in background and cooked alien illustrations by Liz McGrath)